What you are expecting is some whimsical rant about my love affair with alcohol, but the actual subject of this post is in regards to public displays of affection and how it needs to stop before I go on a rampage.
One of the side effects of my new state on mental health is that I find all couples repugnant. I tolerate the fact that people pair up and allow them to pursue their delusions of happiness always repressing my urge to make them spontaneously combust -- but I have my limits.
I was out with Jennie SMASH! making sugar (translation: drankin') doing our usual best friend thing of lamenting and telling funny stories... mostly lamenting. I had returned from taking a much needed piss to find her smirking and ready to dash off and enjoy an obligatory cancer stick.
"Have fun with this." was all she said as I sat down bewildered.
To my shock, horror and mostly disgust, the two people sitting across from me were going at it like two horny pitbulls. *HURK!* What the fuck?! Didn't anyone tell these assholes that this is my home and an establishment solely for imbibing intoxicating liquids? People drink here then go home and do that sort of shit. Far away from the burning eyes and frail stomachs of the rest of the population, i.e. me!
What is worse is that they were doing it badly. They
were clumsy enough when they came into the bar with that shy, awkward,
bullshit that two people suffer when they know all they really want to
do is the squelchy. Now, I had to suffer the dry heaves.
Fuckers.
To top it all off, the vile couple to my left and another set of bastards to my right, felt they had to keep up and start face sucking too. Was I somehow transported to a high school party without realizing it? I was distraught in a way that not even the merciful Duvel in front of me could cure. I might have even thrown up a little. Right in the back of my mouth.
When Jennie SMASH! came back, we made a mad dash for the outer bar where people were obviously not raised in repressed Amish communities and finally released onto the unsuspecting public for Rumspringa.
People please take five seconds to come up for air and drop dead. The world (mostly me) will appreciate it.
