AnonyMouse

Square One.5

There is only so much that a person can lose before having to... "reevaluate."

Since November, my life has been one of emotional malaise. I lost love, my home, and a sense of who I am all at a moment when I thought my fortunes had changed. In the aftermath of descruction, I thought I had managed to salvage my life, I found a place, made new friends and attempted to take time to contemplate the events that led me to foreign territory.

Life is never easy.

I thought that I had done alright. Nothing was quite perfect but I thought I had settled my mind and affairs enough to attempt living like a normal person. The thing is, when you are broken, you don't totally realize it. You subconsciously ignore the things that perhaps you haven't actually dealt with or can't. Was I running? Was I afraid to let go. Afraid to engage? Angry? Sad? Lonely? Tired?

I don't know.

For the most part I think that all I've really wanted was to be left alone to think. It's not malice or a desire to have people totally fuck off, but I feel I've just been going through the motions of life as I've seen it done because I have not had the time to sort out a damned thing. I've attempted to "heal," tried the Dating Siesta, and even tried to be a "single mouse."

Who is Drunken Mouse? I don't know but the plan is to figure that out.

Whoever he has been, her hasn't been good for himself or anyone else. So I am done. Back to where I was before I lost my goddamn mind, well almost. I learned a little -- maybe even a lot. Enough so that I don't have to completely isolate myself, but I am finally going to decompress and meditate... or something.

Peace! I'm out!

I Am Not George

Disclaimer: Being a regular viewer of Grey's Anatomy will increase the chances of understanding this post.

I have always empathized with the underdog. That "good guy" pining in the background, awkward, never gets the girl.

Yep, I understand that guy a lot. I watch him brush his teeth every morning.

Well George finally screwed up the courage to tell Meredith that he was desperately in love with her and she reciprocated. George got some ass! Yay! Unfortunately, my DVR deleted the next episode and when I was discussing the show with ExGF-S, she told me that during sex Meredith started laughing.

Way to go George. I knew wouldn't have felt right if things had gone well.

Either way, I was sort of inspired by George. I mean the difference between him and I is that women have always liked me and that is what makes me all awkward and stoopid around them. A girl in a bar once made me drop my change and almost twist a book in half trying to talk to her.

I am not overlooked like George is. In fact, being noticed is what makes me feel shy. Always has. But as days go by I've decided to just accept that and learn to deal.

Honestly, George would kill to be me and be angered at how "wasteful" I am being.

Of Mice & Men or Please Beat On My Fragile Ego

Time for an amendment to those New Year resolutions. I know it didn't even take a day, but there is a story behind this.

New Year's Day, my roommate T-Bone and I finally woke up around 5PM and after cleaning, found that we had enough alcohol left to have a second party. So after some serious mopping and trash disposal, we sat around, watched TV and tried to put a dent in our stock.

Then we got bored.

We decided to go and pay for beer at some of our local haunts and as is his M.O., T-Bone was on the lookout for someone nice to bring home.

There was this very pretty girl sitting at the end of the bar all by her lonesome, so I thought why not be contrary to my own character and go chat her up.

Remember Mouse, be more aggressive.

With enough beer, even a mouse can be courageous and things went well for the first 10 minutes.

Then I don't know what the hell happened.

She wouldn't tell me her name which I wasn't begging for, but after introducing my own weird ass name into the conversation, you think someone would be much more comfortable sharing. She was not. This secrecy piqued my curiosity and so I followed with bullshit smalltalk to which she was not totally unreceptive in a "could you please fuck off" sort of way, but after while she was about to leave and T-Bone gives me a shout.

Then she gets curious.

To make a long, long, long story short the evening continued with her berating me, saying I was too aggressive, over-analytical and negative. She said that I was probably the "social one" and that T was probably the type that hangs on the wall like a quiet mouse...

...

All of this took place while she answered every one of T-Bone's questions that I was apparently stoopid for asking, didn't mind him touching her hands and ended with giving him her number.

Sufficed to say I was completely mortified and maybe wanted to run away.

I tried world but after two "I have a boyfriends" and having a girl game on my roommate in my face, I am not ready for this yet. Secretly, I woke up New Year's Day and felt miserable because I didn't feel like anything changed in my life outside of circumstances beyond my control. So when my sad little efforts to not be so timid keep ending so sour... I would rather not have my ego kicked around right now. Maybe later.

A mouse can't be a lion so maybe it is just better if I try to be a better mouse rather than change who I am.

Viva la Dating Siesta!

I Totally Forgot

Single people have a lot of free time on their hands.

Jeezy Creezy.

I have been pretty busy putting my room together and spending gobs of money on things I never knew I needed, but when some socializing plans fell through tonight I realized -- I ain't got shit to do. Mind you, I had a great time party hopping last night and even met a really cute girl.

You know the type; all the guys fall for her in like 10 seconds because she is so genuine. The kind of girl you spend an entire party talking to, until everyone leaves, but then realize that she has to have a boyfriend even though she is doing the "touch you when you make her laugh" thing. Well it's not like I didn't inquire about her after she took off -- she did have a BF.

Cheers.

Not that it matters, the Siesta is still in full effect, but I am also not dead. However, after weirding people out by attending parties with the exGF, I was met with disbelief in our breakup, hope that we will get back together or supportive statements like, "You are are a hot, heterosexual, male in NYC. You'll be okay." I swear that last one it is meant to help, my mom told me the same thing after I got my first pair of glasses.

Anyway, the cable dood is not coming by until Wednesday and the HDTV doesn't use antenna. Grey's Anatomy is on tonight and  I still don't have bookshelves.

This is my new life. Welcome.