There is only so much that a person can lose before having to... "reevaluate."
Since November, my life has been one of emotional malaise. I lost love, my home, and a sense of who I am all at a moment when I thought my fortunes had changed. In the aftermath of descruction, I thought I had managed to salvage my life, I found a place, made new friends and attempted to take time to contemplate the events that led me to foreign territory.
Life is never easy.
I thought that I had done alright. Nothing was quite perfect but I thought I had settled my mind and affairs enough to attempt living like a normal person. The thing is, when you are broken, you don't totally realize it. You subconsciously ignore the things that perhaps you haven't actually dealt with or can't. Was I running? Was I afraid to let go. Afraid to engage? Angry? Sad? Lonely? Tired?
I don't know.
For the most part I think that all I've really wanted was to be left alone to think. It's not malice or a desire to have people totally fuck off, but I feel I've just been going through the motions of life as I've seen it done because I have not had the time to sort out a damned thing. I've attempted to "heal," tried the Dating Siesta, and even tried to be a "single mouse."
Who is Drunken Mouse? I don't know but the plan is to figure that out.
Whoever he has been, her hasn't been good for himself or anyone else. So I am done. Back to where I was before I lost my goddamn mind, well almost. I learned a little -- maybe even a lot. Enough so that I don't have to completely isolate myself, but I am finally going to decompress and meditate... or something.
Peace! I'm out!
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